Sadist or masochist? Two in one.

Childhood, fascination and fear.

I remember playing Godzilla with My cousin, or something along those lines. We were about six or seven. At one point she was Godzilla, I was lying on the floor, and I was yelling something like, 'Oh noooo, I'm about to get squashed!'

And I kind of did get squashed. Well, trampled, to be precise. My cousin caught on and started walking all over Me. We were kids, so of course we were laughing; she was trying to keep her balance and all that. But I felt something I couldn't really explain back then. I just liked it.

I even remember saying something like, 'Just don't walk on Me!' knowing (okay, *hoping!*) she'd do the exact opposite. That was the whole point, even if a part of Me thought it was silly.

After that I kept suggesting we play Godzilla. Over time I also noticed I paid a strange amount of attention to her feet - something about them appealed to Me. I had no idea why, but I remember how deeply embarrassed I felt about it. Everyone made fun of 'stinky feet' and went 'ewwwww', while I wondered whether I was weird, mentally ill, or just not normal. I didn't even have a word for it.

I remember another incident, too. I was about ten when I saw two adults arguing. I can still vaguely picture their faces. your classic Karyna and Sebix, as I'd call them today - a proper trashy couple.

At one point the woman gave the guy a proper slap across the face. And there I was, standing like an idiot and staring, until they noticed Me and told Me, shall we say, to politely get lost.

I kept replaying that moment in My head, imagining someone treating Me that way - or Me doing it to someone else. Again, I couldn't explain why. I just knew I wasn't telling anyone. I was scared of being laughed at, judged, and honestly, who knows what else.

Porn: answers on credit.

Around eleven, I stumbled across porn for the first time. It was a bit of a revelation. I quickly figured out the right search terms and discovered that people online were into exactly the things I'd previously only imagined. Feet, dominance, submission, BDSM, the whole lot. Suddenly My 'weird' interests had names, and I wasn't the only freak on the planet.

It was an absolute game changer. I felt a huge sense of relief. At last I understood that liking things I couldn't even name before didn't automatically mean there was something wrong with Me.

I became fascinated and started watching videos and looking at pictures obsessively. Back then I wasn't thinking about the consequences. Today, all these years later, I know it's hard for Me to feel fully satisfied sexually without BDSM in the mix. Regular sex can be fun, but often it just isn't enough for Me.

Is that down to years of watching porn? Maybe. Or maybe I'd have ended up the same way without it. After all, My interest in dominance and submission started much earlier. I don't know, and I probably never will. What I do know is that porn gave Me answers, but it may also have shaped habits that stuck around for years. Hence 'answers on credit'. The bill came later ;)

One thing's certain: I'm not one of those people who suddenly discovered their dominant side the second they realised it could make them money online. Funny coincidence, isn't it, how so many people (especially young 'dommes') have their grand awakening at exactly that moment? ;]

There's another way porn can seriously distort reality: expectations. In videos everything looks effortless. Everyone's up for anything, it all goes perfectly, and even the wildest fantasies just happen without a hitch. Wouldn't that be nice?

Except real life isn't a movie. People have preferences, limits, boundaries and needs. you can have the wildest fucking fantasies in the world, but finding someone who actually wants to explore them with you isn't always easy. Not every woman is gonna deep-throat all the way down to the balls like some hardcore slut, gagging and spitting out gallons of our mighty 'alpha' cum. Porn certainly doesn't teach you that.

I know both sides.

I'm a sadomasochist. Submission probably came first, but dominance wasn't far behind. So I'm not your classic testosterone-dripping Twitter 'alpha male'. That label is so ridiculously overused I can't help laughing at it. In the findom world, any random bloke can take off a shoe, post a photo on X, and boom - he's an alpha. Same goes for the ladies, by the way ;)

I don't see Myself as an alpha, and I wouldn't even want to. I don't need a fancy label to get a wicked amount of pleasure from dominating someone.

And knowing both sides of the fence is fucking brilliant. I know what it feels like to dominate and to submit. But My submissive side is reserved exclusively for women. Not just anyone, either - women who genuinely get this whole thing. Ideally, it fascinated them long before they learned the word 'findom'.

That said, I have nothing against newbies! If a woman is only just discovering this world and genuinely wants to try, great. She can walk all over Me, give Me a good slap, and I'll be perfectly obedient. Though I do like winding newbies up a bit. Makes them want to hit harder, and that's a bonus, isn't it? :)

With men it's a completely different story. I have absolutely no desire or intention to submit to them. Quite the opposite - when some guy tries to dominate Me, I'm more inclined to put him in his place.

Submissive men, though? We get along a whole lot better. I'd take wicked pleasure in humiliating a willing little beta who dreams of following orders. That's one reason I'm on X in the first place. Let's face it, I'm not exactly expecting crowds of submissive straight women there.

No pretending.

I'm not going to pretend My fantasies have always been gentle. I'm drawn to intense dominance, even its most extreme forms in My imagination. I love it when a submissive feels respect for Me, hands over control and knows they're not the one calling the shots. Damn, just writing that gives Me this weird warm fuzzy feeling.

When I was in relationships with women, or friends-with-benefits situations, I tried to be open about My preferences fairly early on. I was never interested in pretending to be a nice, innocent boy who suddenly discovers his inner dom once the bedroom door closes. This is just who I am.

I love the uncertainty, the tension, and the fear that's part of a shared fantasy. I want the submissive to feel they've handed Me the power. That they're there to obey, not negotiate every command. And, honestly... I've never really been into safewords. They don't do much for Me. When I'm the submissive, I don't use them; I feel like I should take whatever comes and see what happens. I'd tell women who wanted to explore this with Me to do whatever they liked - no questions, no overthinking, just enjoy themselves. As a dominant, I feel much the same, though I can be empathetic about it too.

Like I said, though, a safeword takes something away for Me... How am I supposed to feel in charge if the other person can say 'stop' at any second? I need that rush, that blood-boiling feeling that the power and surrender are real. Maybe it's because I've never felt like I'm stepping into some kind of 'roleplay'. This is the real Me.

I once met a submissive who was exactly on My wavelength, precisely in the way I've described above... it was absolutely wonderful, for both of us.

But to be clear, online is obviously different. Anyone can walk away whenever they want. And that's fine; I don't pry. Coming back, though? That'll hurt ;)